If I were President...

Before taking the inaugural oath,
I would dismiss the staff from my campaign.
I'd trust my words and actions both,
To lead the people to vote for me again.

To be loved by all I would not strive.
For pride and patriotism across this land
Is something that I want to revive.
So for these matters I would firmly stand.

I would never feel that I should make nice
With the nations that refuse to see the danger
Posed by radical elements who won't heed advice
From their brothers not filled with the same anger.

To those that want to inflict on us so much hurt,
I would say that we might bend but will not break.
Though your boasts and slogans you like to blurt,
To think you can defeat us is clearly a mistake.

I would have no tolerance for so-called progressives
Who embrace the crushing of little babies' brains
But can't stomach the 'torture' of terrorist captives
To extract the information a depraved mind contains.

I would lock down our border with Mexico
To cut off the flow of 'undocumented workers'.
I would conduct a thorough search high and low
To find and deport all the immigration law shirkers.

I would eliminate the reason the illegals come
By finding and prosecuting those who defy the law.
For documented workers I would raise the volume
To provide a pool of workers upon which to draw.

I would insist on legislation to make it clear
That English is the right language to speak
If a better life in this country is held dear
And becoming a citizen is what you seek.

I would urge the Congress for a bill to clarify
That in taking property through eminent domain,
For 'public benefit' the takers cannot justify.
Only for 'public use' does the law pertain.

I would terminate all forms of foreign aid.
Instead I would end our tariffs and subsidies,
That handicap the poor nations by stifling trade,
Thereby giving a needed boost to their economies.

The United Nations I would completely ignore
And its funding I would seek to withdraw.
For both its actions and inactions I abhor
And it's most always led by a scofflaw.

I would kill the funding of the NEA on my first day.
Because commissioned art is not art, it's design.
Because federal funding of art is lawful in no way.
Because its coerced benefactors it strives to malign.

I would close the Department of Indoctrination
And rely on the state and local governments
To provide their own brand of education
Better suited to the needs of their students.

Every bill sent to my desk would be rejected
Until Congress gives me what I want.
To compromise is not why Presidents are elected,
So I would be extremely difficult to daunt.

I would advocate that taxes be decreased
And eliminate those that I can't sanction.
Like taxes your heirs pay after you are deceased
And taxes you have to pay on inflation.

I would constantly demand cuts in expenses
And would oppose all hikes in spending.
I would eliminate or combine most agencies
For their number seems to be never ending.

I would most likely be impeached
Before serving my first year in office
By the Congress I have constantly beseeched
To extract its head from its posterior orifice.

(In case you want to use this and you don't think the ending is appropriate for your purposes, then substitute the following ending:

I would most likely be impeached
Before my first year in office is complete
By the Congress I have constantly beseeched
To legislate without so much deceit.)

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